lalalala

I don't care what these elders tell me any more. Everything I hear all day long is about how I need to focus. "Get on track" or the like, is all I can think of, and I absolutely refuse to do so. It is not that I am that stubborn, it is more that my brain and body disjoin. This disjunction means the body will absolutely refute any messages that the brain tries to sneak in that look like accomplishing that much famed "sometimes you have to do things you don't like" scenario. Anyway, this attitude is in some ways reflected by an action - hence the title (you know: when you put your fingers in your ears and go "lalalala" repeatedly so as not to hear what your mom or dad are telling you).

As you may well know by now, I cannot end with a simple thought. Therefore the above paragraph is thoroughly lacking in me-ness and therefore I, in my inner room, have tossed this topic through the grinders and into the blender and there is a delicacy which has so graciously popped out. That delicacy tells me that those focused moments in life, however great and official and hard working they make me feel - those moments are not where life is lived. Perhaps, there is some pressure that is imposed on me by our American Gladiator style society. This Gladiator style is as I see it most comparable to The Eliminator. The Eliminator was the final event in American Gladiators and it was full of obstacle course fare. It seems that society is similar in that anything that one desires to do - first they must jump through hundreds of hoops and perform little tricks. Perhaps, I impose these ideas on myself - the "well to be successful I must do ..." pressures. I have no reasonable idea of where these thoughts come from, however I know that I get in arguments with them quite often.

Their arguments are quite convincing, they go something like, "wouldn't it be nice to be like everyone else? wouldn't it be nice to just be a business major and alleviate some of this stress? wouldn't it be nice to get good grades? wouldn't it be nice to drive a nice car? wouldn't it be nice to get a good job out of college start a retirement fund and retire early on a golf course?" -- yes, all of those sound very nice. I can only further relate my stance as a scene from a screen play and it goes something like this:

I move stage right to proceed to an interview which will get me into grad school and prepare me for a great, high paying job. While walking, I (phantom of the opera style) fall into a trap door. [the most of the rest of the scene takes place under the stage]. I walk, fervently searching for a way back up to the stage, becoming more and more frustrated because all I want to do is get to this interview. All I want is to move to point B, however, the more time I spend under the stage, the more stage props I run into and the more I see. I eventually find a blank canvas and some paints, and I begin to paint. This expression frees me from my encompassing frustration and I begin to find myself lost in the scene.

This seems to be how my life goes. I have this idea of something that sounds good, and then on my way there I fall into a hidden trap door. Then, on my search to find how to get back to where I was, I find something that attracts my attention. These things - things in the periphery which I never see coming - those things are where life is lived. The main points of life are fine, however the interesting and life-giving events are what take place between those focal points. The majority of life is lived en route to a finite point and therefore that is where the uncertain is encountered. This uncertainty is captured in the fractions of life - events which are overlooked, but never underappreciated.