the breakup..

I, by no means am a relationship expert. No one, in sound mind and body will ever refer to me as Dr. Phil; and similarly I will never write an editorial in the NY Times that runs by the emboldened "Sex and the City." I do not understand relationships (romantic and otherwise) and therefore I could never offer even the greatest relational oaf in the United States any advice. However...

I am beginning to understand the breakup. The breakup is this sort of inevitable pitfall that most relationships fall into. It's almost as if one is frollicking through a field of wildflowers, and then that frollicking becomes a walk, and then a slow walk, and then a limp. Meanwhile, the field of wildflowers becomes a perfectly tendered lawn of grass, and then an overgrown weed-infested expanse of foliage, and then finally barren, cracked desert. So, by the end of this relationship, which started with frollicking in the field of daisies has now become a limp through the cracked and barren desert.

Well there is one important point about breakups that everyone needs to know. It is very hard to break up with someone, however, it is infinitely harder to be broken up with. I've heard the line, "He's not supposed to get sick of me, I'm supposed to get sick of him." It is almost as though a breakup hurts in a more insultful, and self image shattering way, then in the intended remorse for things lost way. Well this creates not only the standard ache for togetherness, but also some prideful, and spiteful anger toward the breakupper, from the breakuppee.

In this modern day and age, with the social pressures and this arrogant attitude about the attainment of a guy/girl rather than the actual substantial relationships. I have seen a few cases where the breakuppee and breakupper agree that the end is near, and the interpersonal friendship relationship is preserved because neither is broken up with and therefore neither has huge pride shattereing anger problems to swallow. However, all too often as relationships grow and time and emotions are invested - things never break cleanly. This uneven break, this splintering of raw emotion and comfort create almost a insincere battleground of pride backlashing against painstaking remorse. The breakupper is, in most cases, sincerely remorseful for the turn of events and can (I would hope) feel empathy for the breakuppee. However the breakuppee, in most cases is sincerely hurt. This hurt does not manifest itself in sincere ways however, and therefore this sort of battle becomes an undermining parasite that causes both people to become less able to deal with the pains of breaking up and less able to honor the other person as a frend.

In lieu of my experiences it has become aware that there are a few key stages that occur. The first post breakup stage would have to be the "try to be friends stage." This can never work as there is no time for the feelings of romantic interest to dissipate in the least. There has to be some significant seperation before mature and rational steps can be taken forward.

The second stage is the "okay I need some space stage." During this time period the breakuppee realizes that there is still a great deal of emotional attachment and comes to the understanding that they must remove themselves from the breakupper. This stage is extremely hard for most breakuppees, because if they have a healthy respect for their ex, then they have a hard time understanding this, and would love nothing more for the two to just be friends. However, this being impossible there is usually a great deal of time here, which distances the two people to a point that is so far removed that recreating a friendship is somewhat impossible because there gets to be this feelings of infamiliarity coupled with a lack of understanding because of a past intimate relationship.

This stage of "reacquaintance" often times is the straw that breaks the camel's back as the two folks have grown individually for so long, that there are simply no bridges left on which to connect. This is a frustrating stage where the two people are emotionally and mature enough to have a friendship, however there are too many burned bridges from the impatience and irreverence of the breakup and following stages.

Sadly, this is, what I know to be the case and it makes sense that we are simply unable to act maturely when our pride has been damaged. We make quick bandages and wall of those parts that hurt, which completely remove ourselves from one another. Then, in an attempt to be civil, there is a forced friendship which carries no substance since there is no intimate interaction. This forced friendship results in a friendship which dissolves into nothing and then leads into years and years and years of nothing and eventually we just fade away, as if neither person ever really existed to the other.